Chuffing Turbans
by Shiming-Star
Summary: Oneshot. Written for a contest on LiveJournal. Voldemort's rants about his failed mission with the Socerer's Stone and about turbans. Teen for cussing and dark humor.


_**Chuffing Turban:**_

_(A reflection on turbans, A.D.D., queers, and stones in Voldemort's 'new' life) _

_By: Kelsey Lang (NightlyStories)_

Voldemort's POV

You might find it amazing to know that I, the great Dark Lord Voldemort, hate something more than Harry Potter, muggles, mudbloods, halfbloods, Dumbledore, and mortality combine. Yes, it is true. The object I loathe more than all of these things listed above is quite a simple one – I absolutely, positively **hate **turbans. I have nothing really against Arabs themselves (though they are muggles), but turbans – ah! Turbans bug the hell out of me! They look fine and all and I had no problem with them until I met a particular git named Quirenius Quirrell (which I have recently nicknamed Queerness Quarrel – doesn't it fit him?).

Everything was going well. I possessed his body after he pathetically gave it up to my disposal and I was quite happy with this. And my joy grew when I learned Queerness was going to teach Defense Against the Dark Arts at Hogwarts, where the stupid, easily destroyed, supposedly-going-to-make-me-immortal Sorcerer's Stone was hidden (before pitifully destroyed) at the time. There was one difficulty though. My face just happened to be sticking out of the back of his head. Well, wasn't that just a bloody, dandy situation? At least he didn't have hair. So we came up with what seemed to be a rather smart conclusion: he'd wear a turban day in and day out. I thought that it might look suspicious and a bit dumb, but now thinking about it, that one annoying Order of the Buttock member wore a stupid hat. What was his name…? Uh, god, I can't remember. Oh well.

So we stole a turban during the dead of night and without taking time to look at the color of it we ran off with it. I was quite displeased when I saw it was _purple_. I despise the color purple! Everything that is the color purple is terrible, I tell you! Terrible! But it had to do because the Hogwarts year was soon upon us. Being a lost, wandering spirit for so long made me forget it just happened to be the year 1991, the year the berk Harry Potter was joining that damn stupid school. I thought that with him there I could kill two birds (one kill being literal) with one stone (the Socerer's Stone - wow, that quote really worked out), but… my plans were foiled. The plan foiling thing I was used to by now with Harry Potterinvovled in it(the whole almost killing me thing was really a set back in the galactic domination dream), but that is hardly the point.

That point is that I was stuck under a purple turban walking into a school in which I loathed that had Dumbledore and the dickhead Potter playing around like the little fucknuts they are. What really flipped my lid though was the fact that Queerness, after all of my complaining about the situation, told me I was PMSing. I made him slap himself for that… many, many times. That's when I decided once I got the Sorcerer's Stone that I was going to kill him immediately. Course, the whole Stone thing didn't work, which stunk. But he did die, so it's cool.

But back to the turban thing though. Did you know that a head sweats almost as much as your underarms? I did not know such a useless fact until after the first day of having to stay under that stupid thing. I was thinking about just screaming out loud, exposing Queerness, get out of him, and run… fly… swim through air… whatever I did… the hell outta there. Sure people would know that I, the Great Lord that Really Should be Ruling the World Right Now, was still alive, but after being under that turban I was seriously thinking that consequence would not matter. Anyway, I had been noticing that Queerness had been giving me weird looks then. I shutter at the thought of it.

Turbans remind me a lot of rats. How I loathe rats. Especially Wormtail, fuckin git. The only thing that bar-steward was good for was giving me his arm so that I could get this beautiful, new body that I have now - but seriously, any one of my Death Eaters could have done that for me. So what if he betrayed his dear mates to serve me - if he hadn't told me where Potter was then I would have never been in that turban situation. **Mental Note: **Kill Wormtail.

On with the turban thing. Seriously, I think we could have come up with a better hat. Why not an American ballcap(do not askme howI know of that muggle thing, because truly I do not know)or something like that. But we didn't, so the days went on with me stuck under that nasty thing.

ELPHIAS DOGE! Yes, that was that guy's name! Doge was the one in the Order of the Buttock with the stupid hat. Wow, I can't believe I remembered that. I amaze myself everyday.

I even like Doge's hat better than a turban, and it's _stupid_!

Going on, finally the day came. Queerness, after going around trying to figure out the location of the Stone like the queer he is, found out how to put to sleep that rather thrilling dog (**Mental Note #2:** Find and Steal "Fuffy") and how to get to the Stone. So we were off! I was just so happy to know that once we got the Socerer's Stone (in which we never got), I would be out of that turban forever. After a long journey down to the chambers were the Stone was (after having to fight off chess pieces, in which now I hate), and I was about to get it, in pranced stupid Harry Fotter. And I mean literally _pranced_. "Oh my god, it's Quirrell," the stupid boy cried in a singing-like, girl voice. Such an arse. He should die in the obvilion of hell.

_Anyway_, Queerness finally took off the turban! Thank god! I was free... sorta. And there I was, faced with my arch enemy... and stuck on a freak's head. So using my super powers (unique thing to call them, I know) I told Quarrel that the Stone was in Potter's pocket, so the fight begun. Harry had to touch him though and he burned. Clut. So the Potter boy started poking him in amazement and bam! My body was gone. I could not help but think, 'Thank god! The turban is gone forever!' But then I had to fight Harry myself...

... And failed.

I wouldn't have failed if I was not in such a weak state though. But oh well, I must put the past behind me. After all, I now have a body of my own. And if I must say something positive about the situation I will say this - Queerness died, just as I had hoped. So in the end, that was a very sucessful attempt for immortality.

Still though, I have nightmares about the whole experience - especially about Queerness and his weird looks that he gave me. And its all because of turbans.

Chuffing Turbans.

End.


End file.
